Now, I'm not one of those usually on the "cutting edge" of technology, mainly because I have a terrible fear of robots with giant knives "cutting" the "edge" of my face off. I still only listen to music on my 8-track player and even then only Men Without Hats. Also, I had to hire a Chinaman to type these words into this computing apparatus so that they would appear on your very own computing apparatus by means of what I can only assume to be Ancient Chinese Magic. Additionally, he demands that I pay him in used school girl panties as he says that he must offer them to the Gods so that they will continue to offer this service, and not attempt to steal my soul.
These hep cats really know how to get down!
Finally though, I have accepted that the future is now! This of course means that the past is now the present, and that what used to be the future is now some kind of super neo-future that my measly regular-future brain can't even begin to comprehend. So, after finally accepting the inevitable reality of the times that I live in, I decided that to make up for always being behind the curve, this time I would actually get ahead of everyone. That's right, so now am I not only caught up, I'm even ahead of all those hipsters in that you see in Mac commercials. Now that's the future.
First, I knew I had to look the part, and nothing says the future like, you guessed it, silver jumpsuits! As I know from bad made-for-TV movies from the 1980s, whenever something happens in the future, or someone time-travels from the future, they invariably wear a dashing silver jumpsuit. So, I ran out to my local silver-jumpsuit store and promptly purchased 10 on their finest jumpsuits. Now I can wear one at all times, and when everyone else starts wearing them and dancing in dark rooms full of fog and lasers, I'll be the trend-setter for this fashion of the future. I was so glad to be finally ahead of the game, that I bought the entire silver jumpsuit store, the owner was more than happy to sell since he said that I had been his 2nd customer in 15 years, and the first customer was his mom. Despite what all the CapnChris accountants have informed me about "unsound investments" and "being a fucking idiot", I still think this is going to pay off big in the long run. The way I see it, pretty soon everyone will be wearing these jumpsuits as soon as they get far enough into the future to catch up with me, then all i have to do is sit back and count my laser-money. So, if you want to be as "with it" as I am, then run out right away to Pat's Silver Jumpsuit Emporium and cash in on our buy-one-get-one-free special.
If I don't look like I'm from the not-too-distant future, then I don't know what does!
Now, as important as it is, to look the part, of the future, you have to also walk the proverbial walk. First I thought I would get a cell phone, since that seems to be the tech-savvy thing to do. But then I realized that that was just playing catch-up and I wanted to get ahead of the game. I realized that in the future, no one will carry around some bulky, archaic, cell phone, people will just telepathically contact each other to inform them that they have won fabulous prized and free cruises. So I went down to my local Surgery Shack, and got a chip implanted in my brain that allows me to instantly make and receive calls. While they told me they couldn't give me a chip to make me it possible for me to make myself invisible, teleport, or travel in time like I requested, they did the next best thing by making the chip release LSD directly into my brain so that I think that I can do those things.
Nice cellular telephone, Grandpa!
Well, I'll chat with you squares later when you decide to stop living in the past/present and realize the way of the future/present!
