ghoadsly: Hey there.
LrdPerfect: Who be you.
ghoadsly: I'm Julio Stevens, and I'd like to talk to you about something for a few moments if you don't mind.
LrdPerfect: Go ahead.
ghoadsly: Well, I'm sure a hotshot business professional such as yourself hears from people like me all the time, but please, take the time to listen, because I bet I can offer you something that they can't.
ghoadsly: Now, in this fast-paced world of internets and Garfield movies, it's become more and more important to insure the things that are important to you.
ghoadsly: Have you ever wondered about what you would do if something happened to your ovaries?
LrdPerfect: Yeah, those Garfield movies can kill.
ghoadsly: Well fear no more!
ghoadsly: Because here at EroTech, we offer lifetime ovary insurance!
LrdPerfect: You know you should have asked a long time ago because I already lost them.
ghoadsly: No more will you have to live in fear of crotch rot, or the ever-pesky ovary thieves that sneak are prone to get you while you go to the can.
ghoadsly: And do you want it to happen again?
ghoadsly: We can save you the distress of a similar harrowing experience.
LrdPerfect: Last I checked they don't grow back and besides, I don't need them.
ghoadsly: Not just ovaries either.
ghoadsly: We can insure just about any other part of your reproductive system as well as oriental vases.
LrdPerfect: ..all oriental vases?
ghoadsly: Of course!
ghoadsly: How many times have wacky painters tipped over the priceless Ming vase that you had balanced precariously on a narrow stand?
LrdPerfect: Even the ones from the Suk Luta Cok dynasty?
ghoadsly: Well fear not, because that's your speciality!
ghoadsly: Yes, even the ones you make up!
LrdPerfect: ..everytime they film a movie it happens.
ghoadsly: We also offer crappy movie insurance.
ghoadsly: Went to see Alien vs. Predator and want your 7.50 back?
ghoadsly: We've got you covered!
LrdPerfect: Actually I want to see that movie but I'd love to get my money back for an actual crappy movie I went to see.
ghoadsly: Well then you've come to the right place!
LrdPerfect: You offer insurance for falling asleep during Stephen King adaptations?
ghoadsly: Certainly, but no made-for-TV movies, direct to video releases, or Olsen Twins movies.
ghoadsly: We need to stay in business after all.
LrdPerfect: Oh, I don't watch them. Such a shame about that cocaine habit, not finishing her off and all.
LrdPerfect: Don't blame ya.
ghoadsly: Yes, the whole debacle has really sparked a lot of creativity among erotic FanFic writers.
LrdPerfect: How about auditory damage from being forced to endure Britney Spears... um, do you classify that as music or audio torture?
ghoadsly: I've gotta tell you, that Olsen girl will do just about anything for crack.
ghoadsly: At this point EroTech has no insurance policy for music.
LrdPerfect: Yeah, I've kinda heard about that. Easier to get into then a public high school.
LrdPerfect: How about dinosaurs? I have about 15 of them living with me.
ghoadsly: However, you might get lucky in the near future as we make up stuff to add all the time.
LrdPerfect: They eat a lot but they make great security guards.
ghoadsly: I'm afraid that you're covered only if the dinasaur event occurs while you are time traveling.
ghoadsly: We have a wonderful time travel insurance that covers just about everything, especially dinosaur attacks.
LrdPerfect: Oh, no I already brought them back.
ghoadsly: Well, while we don't have a specific dinosaur insurance for such a case, we do have a very strong 'being eaten' insurance that should cover that.
LrdPerfect: Well, luckily they are more intelligent then I thought.. they only eat people who can't spell their plurals without using a Z.
ghoadsly: Then you might be perfect for our muder insurance.
ghoadsly: Killed someone? Don't worry, we've got you covered.
ghoadsly: We will personally find someone and frame them, putting their fingerprints and hair at the scene of the crime.
ghoadsly: Also, we'll plant some of the victim's body parts in their freezer, just to make it authentic.
LrdPerfect: Do you offer any insurance for cars? I've been going about 90 down the road and the police seem to enjoy trying to make me stop and shooting my tires out. Now, it's hard enough avoiding all the cars coming right at me, but the shots and the spike strips are getting really annoying. And, tires aren't cheap.
ghoadsly: Car Insurance?
ghoadsly: Who the hell ever heard of a crazy idea like that?
ghoadsly: Come on, let's be reasonable here.
LrdPerfect: True, not like anybody ever gets killed in those things.
LrdPerfect: What about blimp attacks?
ghoadsly: What about them?
ghoadsly: We love blimps.
ghoadsly: Especially the ones that catch on fire.
LrdPerfect: ..Yeah well it's all well and good until they fall on you
ghoadsly: Hey, don't blame the blimp.
LrdPerfect: This country needs one thing: Better blimp attack insurance.
ghoadsly: Well maybe when you become the insane billionare who starts his own insurance company out of the bathroom at Dairy Queen, you can do that.
LrdPerfect: You know I was planning to stop there and have a few bites of that new blizzard treat they have.
ghoadsly: Okay, just don't tell the manager.
ghoadsly: That guy's a real hardass.
LrdPerfect: Is he the one who looks like Marlon Brando only fatter?
ghoadsly: No, he's alive.
LrdPerfect: Ah, yes, well most of the time dead people don't run businesses, except in New York.
LrdPerfect: They also vote, too.
ghoadsly: I bet they vote for less dogs pissing on their graves.
LrdPerfect: You should offer them insurance for that.
ghoadsly: We would, but we've found that dead people rarely pay their premiums.
LrdPerfect: The rich ones probably do. Not like they can really do much with it.
ghoadsly: They like to pad their coffins with it.
ghoadsly: Then someday someone will dig them up for treasure.
LrdPerfect: ..er.. heh, yeah, SOMEDAY they will.
LrdPerfect signed off at 8:26:02 PM.