6/21/04 - 1:30 A.M.

hi.  its been so long since i wrote in my journal, I almost forgot i had it.  don't worry though, i didn't forget, that's why im writing now.  now i am a lot older and a lot wiser then when i used to write in my journal (some of my spelling might be better).  but dont worry, i am still the same MoonRaven you all flel in love with.  alot of stuff hass happened though, like my hamster Death died.  when i told everyone that Death had died, they all just laughed at me and said stuff like "that hamster had it coming".  i still dont know how death died, and my parents dont understand me enough to pay for a awtopsy.  they just say its because i never fed Death, but its not my fault if im too sad an  depresed from no one understnding me to remember to feed my hamster.  but i wrote a poem about Death (my hamster this time, not the real death) so here it is.

Death (the hamster)

you were here

but now youre gone

so im drowning in agony

where did i go wrong??

you were the only one who understood

and didnt laugh when i read my poetry

now we flushed you down the toilet

but you clogged it and my dad had to get the plunger

then he yelled at me for trying to flush you

death (the hamster) i wish you were still with me

I know this isn't one of my best poems, but i think that is only because im so upsert about losing Death, that its ahrd to write the beautifull poetry that your all used to.  just remembering the death of death has made me so sad, i think i need to stop now, but i promise to tell you everythign else later, and maybe you can come a litttle closer to understadnig me.

MoonRaven

11/02/02 - 3:13 A.M.

hi.  im sorry that it's been awile since i last wrotte in my journel, but even if you did it woud have just depresed you liek i am depresed.  ive goten a lot of e-males and stuf from poeple who want to kno more about me, a loonely distubred little girl.  sum of the questoinos ive gotten are things like "what kind of music do you listen to?", "why are you always so goddamned sad" and "why havent you killed yourself yet?"  for the first quesion, i listen to lots of realy deep and emotionel inteliggent muisc that noen of the stupid prepps and jocks would unerstand.  just liek no one understand sme.  my favorete band is Stained whch has songs about realy deep things like, wanteng to kill yuorself and being misunderstod.  her is some of my own peotry like Staineds.

i am so alone

because no one else is hear

i run to the door

but it is lockde

so i go to the wnidow

but it is closed

there is no escaep

from myself

so i go to my last resort

and surender to noting

this is one of my favrite poems that ive ever wrote.  it is about being traped, and kiling yoursefl to escaep, or maybe going to sleep, it is up to the readre to decide.  my peotry is geting bettar all the time, mabye next time i turn one in for an asinment in english class i wont get a D becuauze the teacehr doesnt undersand me.  she alwyas gets on me for 'speling' and 'grammer' but dosnt she no that these tings only impede truea rtists?  Stained knos that.

~MoonRaven

9/21/02 - 12:38 P.M.

hi.  today i am happy.  just kidding actully im sad.  im relly bored and being bored makes me sad.  also im sad becuse of what mean peopel hav been saying about me in the guestbook.  dont they relize that i get enough of taht whenever i leave the house?  it is people like that that make my life a bottomless hole of black despair.  they just cant understaend such deep people like me.  i almost pity them because their not so inteligent like me.  but maybe i should just go run away to Canada where people unerstand me.  i know because i met someone online from Canada and he was relly nice to me.  Or maybe i should just kill myself because no one likes or understands me.  i decided to exppress myself like all deep people do ad write some more of my porety.  but then my cat ate he poem and i forgot it. 

im so sad

~MoonRaven

9/14/02 - 10:13 P.M.

hi.  i havent written in awhile in my online journel because ive been really depresed lately.  school has started, and unlike most kids i really dont like school.  its important that you know that i dont like school because it will help you unerstand why im so sad.  if my life is usualy a deep black bottomless whole of despair, my life in school is an even deeper, blacker, more bottomless hole of despere.  like when you paint all your wals black, and then the power goes out and you cant see anything.  so you try to find your matches to light your incense to make some light, but its to dark so you cant see anything and you bump into the table and stub your toe and it really hurts. then you finally find your matches but you acidentaly burn your fingers whil lightning them and when you finally get it the power comes back on.  that's just what my life is like.  like i'm crawling around in the dark and stubbing my toe on coffee tables.  what i just described is a metaphore for my life, the dark is like all my teen angst and i'm me, trying to find my way thru it to the lite.  but theres always something in my way like a coffee table which represetns all the obstaclse i face like school, and my parents, and all the peepel that dont understand me.  i dont know what the matches represent yet, but i thought i should include them anyway becaue they really hurt last night.  its not easy being VERY INTELIGENT like i am, because most people dont understand how deep you are.  like my parents came into my room and smeled al the smoke and thought i was smoking.  so i tried to tell them about burnign my fingers and stubbing my toe and about how sad i am, buyt they wouldnt listen and now im grounded for a week.  but i guess ther were some good things too.  whil i was in the dark, i thought of a great poem to write about the dark, i call it 'the dark'.

The Dark

all alone im sitting here

in the dark  by myself

im yelling for help

but no one can hear

the dark is suronding me

like a blanket of darkness

i cant see myself

because its to dark

~MoonRaven

8/04/02 - 1:34 A.M.

hi.  i don't have much time to say a lot of things, but i've been getting a lot of requests by people (THANk You!  I knew somethone would understand me!  But no thank you to all the poeple who told me to 'shut the h ell up' and 'get a goddamned life you stupid bitch') who want to know what I look like.  So here I present to you a picture of what a sad, lonely, confsued little girl looks like.

I kno you must be thinking how someone who looks like that could have all the problems that i do.  but its true, i dont know why either.  god must just hate me

~MoonRaven

7/27/02 - 10:19 P.M.

hi.  sorry i havent written here in my journal for so long, but i've been really busy with feeling sorry for myself and eating.  today was a bad day, and i'm just glad that now i can relax and spend a few hours on internet message boards where people almost understand me.  today was so bad because i saw the boy i  like at the mall and it always makes me sad when i see something i want so bad but cant have.  like when there was this really cool hat at the store, and i wanted it, but my mom wouldn't give me the money.  i cried for days, why cant i ever have anything nicie?  anyway i saw the boy and jumped behind some bushes.  then i spent the whole day following him around.  a few times i think he saw me but then i hit the floor before he realized who i was.  it was so depreesing to seee him liek that.  i wrote anothar poem about it that i hope you can all understand and relize is very important to me.

watching from behind

you cant see me

i want you soo bad

it almost hurts

like a punch in the head

or a knee to the groin

so close but so far

that is what you are

why do you hurt me so?

I like this poem a lot, it's called 'Brian' after the boys name.  i think it expresses how i feel, like i was punched in the head.  i'm a girl, so it doesn't really hurt me as much when i'm kneed in the groin, but i was taking poetick lisense.  i wondher why th epeople you loev more than anything hurt you so much and cant even remmber your name when they cut in front of you in the lunch line.  but you love them to much to say anything to them.  thats all for my journel this time.  thank you for reading this and helping a little to understand my messed up worl.d

~MoonRaven

7/12/02 - 3:48 A.M!!!11

hi.  my name is Susan, but I like people to call me MoonRaven.  no one does though because I'm so misunderstood.  once i wrote 'MoonRaven' on my English paper and all the stupid preps and jocks made fun of me calling me things like 'MoonDork' and 'UglyRaven'.  that's one reason my life is like a deep hole of black despair, so deep that if you fell inside you'd keep falling for 100 years.  there isn't a real hole though, it's just a metephoar  i like to use metefors alot because I'm a very deep person (almost as deep as the hole of despair).  which is part of the reason no one understands me.  once I really did try to dig a hole in my backyard but I failed because I'm so miserable at everything, even digging holes.  I'm starting this online journal because i hope that someone out there will read it and understand me, then maybe i can have a real friend.  Here's a poem I wrote called 'sadness':

Blackness and desphair

sadness and ageny

i'm so alone in here

no one can hear my scream

i look into you're eyes

but you turn awayh

and leave me alone

with just my tears

the poem is about how I'm sad because my parents and teachers don't understand me.  that's why i dress in black because it's a sad color like my life (deep hole of black despair).  I showed this poem to my online friend and he said it was "the worst piece of shitty-music inspired drivel he'd ever accidentally read."  He also said "Just because you think you're a dark person doesn't mean you can write poetry, in fact it makes it even worse."  when he said this i cried all night because i was betrayed by th eone person i thought i could bare my soul too.  someone i'd met 15 minutes ago in a PowerPuff Girls chatroom.  it just goes to show why yu can never love anyone, they'll always end up stabbing you in your heart, then removing it from your chest and covering it with feces before putting it in a cannon and firing it at the moon.  that's how i feel all the time, like someone exploded my heart on the moon.  thats all for my online journal this time.  i promise to have more of my poetry and more about my sad life next time.

~MoonRaven