3/3/05
Holy Cow! Okay, I know this has been a long time coming, but finally, it is here. If you see me in person, I give you full permission to punch me in the crotch. Well, not really unless 'punch' is some kind of hip youth euphemism for fellate, in which case, by all means. This next Sunday is a bit of a wildcard, but after that I should be back to my regular updating schedule of every Sunday. So alert your local congressman, because we're not zoned for this much funny. Editorial.
~Pat
The good one2/28/05
Okay, I've got one interview, but don't freak on me just yet, this is just a temporary fix until I get the real update up tomorrow. I promise that it will be there, even if it's just a link that takes you directly to google and asks you to search for "funny updates". So be sure to check in tomorrow for guaranteed hilarity.
~Pat
The shirtless one
2/13/05
Here I am again, with a hot steaming pile of update delivered fresh to the cold, sterile bosom of the internet. This update is replete with a brand new editorial that will make you wish that you were at another website. Or better yet, not on the internet at all. Also, continue to vote on my web-poll, because at Cap'n Chris, your opinion matters to someone. Not me really, but someone, I'm sure of it.
~Pat
The one who matters
1/23/05
It's here. The brand new editorial that will rock your sock but not your cock. So get to the clicking, because I've got nothing left for here.
~Pat
The empty one
1/03/05
There's really nothing left to say at this point except that the rumor about me being kidnapped and forced into slavery in Thailand is only half true. And in honor of my return, I'm compiled a bunch of crazy shit that I found in the Cap'n Chris comedy dumpster but decided I'd have some wacky fun and bring out of retirement. So enjoy, but be forewarned, I'm not even sure what this stuff is. But anyway, on to the proverbial meat of this update - I have for you the long anticipated Elephant Movie Review. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll write me angry hate mail. Now go love each other.
~Pat
The artsy one
8/23/04
Hello internet! I've recently re-formatted my computer, meaning that now it almost possesses the ability to compute things. This is good news for my future updating potential. However, as a side result I lost all my wacky bits of comedy I had prepared to update. So in a rush to have anything to fill this gap, I have three disappointing interviews! Please don't judge me. On the plus side, I've got a fabulous review of the unfabulous movie Elephant in the works, that you should find hilarious and full of social commentary, just like Friends.
As of yet, I've got no set schedule, other than to promise that updates will be more frequent than once per month. In addition, I hope every one of you will do your part in kicking Jonny and Chris in the crotch.
~Pat
The lazy one
8/08/04
Well I'm back. Looks like Jonny owes someone 20 bucks. My experience in New York was wonderfully homo-erotic, and maybe someday after the statute of limitations expires I'll tell you about it.
School starts tomorrow for me, a fact I'm firmly in denial about as I sit here in my panama hat, Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirt. Nonetheless, this will probably cut into my already meager updating potential. Updates will probably be a bit sporadic in the near future until I get into a groove, much like Stella or that gay Emperor. Anyway, I've got here a brand new interview as a token my goodwill.
Additionally, we've gotten complaints that the most interesting part of our site, the guestbook, is quitei subpar. I tried to explain that that's because most people who come to this site can't read, or are forced to do it as some sort of bizarre and cruel hazing ritual. Anyway, if you happen to not fall into either of these two categories (mom) then post all your witty quips into our guestbook for the entire internet to enjoy. You'll probably be a lot funnier than me.
~Pat
The learned one
7/03/04
Sorry about the lateness and such of this update, but I have been very busying doing everything that Delaware has to offer, like going to Newark and buying stamps. However, it hasn't all been fun and games, in the midst of my duties as a migrant worker, I contracted poison ivy. The deadliest of all ivies. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the sexy Batman action figure, but the terribly itchy rash that tasres horrible. To make things ever worse, one of the places I got this poison ivy was on my face, right around my eyes. This has caused the skin around my eyes ot swell up, and force my right eye shut while a sliver of my left eye lets me see just enough to update this page. If you're curious here is a picture of what I now look like. So, under the circumstances, I hope you understand the lack of a proper update, and if you don't well, screw you.
Also, I have some more bad news. No, I'm not giving up this crazy internet game to go work in the coal mines like my father
tells me I should. Rather, I'm going to attend a summer program in New York for about a month which will in all probability make it slightly impossible for me to update. So unless Chris or Jonny do an update [pause for laughter] Capnchris.com isn't going to get an update. Don't forget about us though! And still visit everyday, to keep us alive in your hearts. I will try to update as much as I can, and who knows, maybe I'm as wrong about this as I am about how to get girls. Only time can tell
~Pat
The city one
6/30/04
I'm updating live from Delaware, the state that must live in constant shame of only being the 2nd smallest, denying it even that recognition. As can be expected, Delaware doesn't make you want to do much other than sleep, and sometimes cry. So please keep this in mind when considering the crapulence of this particular update. You're lucky you're getting an update at all today all things considered. So anyway, take your one free interview, and get the hell out of my internet. On the plus side, since I'm now in punching distance of both Jonny and Chris, I might be able to get some work out of them.
~Pat
The Delaware one
6/28/04
Before I get into the details of today's update, I'd like to deal with a little misconception that some people seem to have had with our last update. It was brough to my attention that some people thought that I misspelled 'seppuku' on Wednesday's update when I said Seppuko. However, I was not referring to "ritual suicide by disembowelment formerly practiced by Japanese samurai", but when I run into the linen closet and hide myself from the shame of daylight. I'd say that I probably commit Seppuko around 3 times a day, usually after having sex.
Well, enough about me, this update comes with a fresh and funky editorial that originally started off as a piece about my new cell phone. How it metamorphosized into what you see now I really have no idea, but enjoy it none the less.
~Pat
The encouraging one
6/26/04
I'm going to warn you up front, this update is pretty bad, even for us. However, just think of the poor Ehtiopian children who still depend on the likes of Pauly Shore for their comedy! So stop being ungrateful and just accept that this is what you're stuck with. Anyway, I've got three new interviews, but don't get your hopes up, they're not very good. This is the price you pay for being on schedule. The other interview is in three parts, for reasons I can't discuss as the truth would make it necessary for me to perform Seppuko to restore my honor. I also did a little general maintenance to make the site look a bite more spiffy. Come back next time, and maybe if you've been good, we'll have comedy.
~Pat
The terrible one
6/23/04
Well, believe it or not, I got it done. A brand new editorial can be found, continuing my tradition of rambling incoherently about things that make me uppity. I would stay here and make poor, desperate attempts at comedy, but I've got things to do, like shaving my back, that I've already put off enough with this update. However, once I do have more time, I plan on making a few changes to the site to make it easier, and not so ass-ugly. In the meantime, enjoy your deathrap!
~Pat
The hairy one
6/21/04
Remember, I said I'd update, I never said it would be a good update, or even a mediocore update. So with that in mind, I bring you the next installment of MoonRaven's online journal. As a high powered businessman such as myself, I don't have enough time between my Power Lunches and coroporate retreats to come up with anything funny, so MoonRaven was kind enough (re: easily influenced due to her low self esteem) to let us peer into her dark, whiny soul. As always with Capn Chris, quality is not guaranteed. In fact, if we were to have any type of guarantee on quality, it would stipulate that we guarantee a certain lack of quality, unique even on the internet. So it is that I bring to you the update that is worse than no update at all. This is what happens when you try to cage a rebel like me into your rigid "schedules" and "pants".
~Pat
The rebelling one6/19/04
In your face, internet! We've got a brand new editorial up, one that is like an irrepresible bad-boy, but under that tough exterior lies a heart of gold. Now, don't expect anything great here in what I like to refer to as "The Comedy Zone", I used up all my funny juice (vodka) writing that editorial, and if you don't go read it right now, I may or may not throw up all over my computer.
~Pat
The vomiting one
6/17/04
Well, I've decided on a steady, 3 time a week updating schedule that I'm going to try to stick to. Every Wednesday, Saturday, and Monday I will have at least one new feature, and if not a feature, at least a poor excuse of how my aunt keeps getting killed 3 times a week. Now, as for this particular update, it comes equipped with one new interview in addition to a rocking movie review of the craptacular cinematic failure that is Soul Survivors. Finally, as you've probably seen at the top of this website already, we have a new feature to help out first time Capn Chrissers. Which should be all of you since no one would come to this website twice. So remember, Wednesday, Saturday and Monday are the days to come here and be disapppointed.
~Pat
The disappointing one
6/12/04
I can't say I'm happy to be updating. It's quite possible that no one is reading this website. I've done a confusing, asinine, and racist interview. It has none of the class or humor of a pat interview, the jonny trademark. I'd like to give a congratulations to pat who has a baby on the way. The life of an absentee teen father is a challenging but enriching one.
~Jonny
The innapropriate and ultimately destroyed in a storm of long overdue bad karma one.
6/8/04
Another update already, could we have been serious about regular updates? Ha, of course not, but it's nice of you to think that. Now, first and foremost this update brings with it the long anticipated, ultimately disappointing conclusion to the Chi McBride vs. Jesus saga. If you need to refresh your memory part one can be found here. As usual, we take absolutely no responsibility for Jonny, so please, direct all your hatemail to him. Last, and certainly least, we also have a brand new, never before seen interview. Please remember to visit as much as possible, because each time the hit counter goes up it's like a tiny little hug. I'm also trying to start a standard updating schedule so people will actually know just how late I am with the updates. Before I tried to have a mailing list of sorts so that people would know when I'd updated, but after three weeks of only sending E-mails to myself I realized that it was a lot easier to pretend we had fans without a mailing list. In any event I'm going to try to come up with a regular schedule of updating two to thre times a week. "Well what about Chris and Jonny" you say? Ha, ha, good one. To which you reply "Heh, yeah, I know."
~Pat
The joking one
6/3/04
That's right, the old, horribly confusing Cap'n Chris format has returned. It's not alone either, but comes equipped with two brand new interviews. Now, I know everytime we've been out drinking for the past 6 months, we come back saying how things will be different now, how we'll be doing crazy updating the likes of which you've never seen. And of course, it's always a bunch of bullshit. Well, not one to mess with tradition I am here to promise you that this website will become bigger than Jesus within the next two weeks, but then we'll lose it all when we become conceited. Just like Doug. However, I do have an editorial in the works, and this one just might even be funny. So don't walk, run! To your nearest internetorium and access Cap'n Chris, the website run for sherpas, by sherpas.
~Pat
The Sherpaing One
10/05/02
Well in today's pseudo-update I just added 3 more questions to our fabulously uninformative FAQ, yeah it's pretty horrible. Maybe someday I'll punch Chris or Jonny hard enough to make them work.
Pat
~The Punching One
9/22/02
The internet is a sick, sick place. I know a write an angry letter to the government every week saying the same thing, but this time I have proof. No, I'm not referring to that website that's a constant loop of the planes crashing into the World Trade Center with wacky music playing in the background, but nonetheless now they'll have to listen to me and destroy the internet before it destroys the world. See, ever since Cap'n Chris has become such a big shot internet hot spot we've been getting visitors from all over the known world (greater Wilmington area) and have been featured in several (two) search-tastic search engines. We even got a visitor from Spain which Jeffrey Davis was so excited about that he had to write an essay on it, so go check that out. But I'm getting off topic, it's disturbing enough that anyone at all can find this website funny who's not under the influence of heavy medication, but what really bothers me is the method people use to find this website. The following are the top searches used to find our website: boys naked 7-15 pictures; naked boys homepage; naked boys showering; illegal naked boys; and "girls chatroom". So that means that if you're reading this, chances are you came here looking for pictures of me and Chris engaged in shameful underage man-love, but the joke's on you because we took all those down last week. They say that you should give your audience what it wants, unfortunately our audience seems composed mainly of NAMBLA members who want naked boys aged 7-15. Damn, and I thought Max's gay friend Tony who's always trying to get me to masturbate for him was bad enough.
I hate the internet.
Well, in addition to the Jeffrey Davis update I mentioned earlier. MoonRaven has also seen fit to talk about what makes her sad in her latest journal. So be sure to read that and cry with her. Reason of the day to hate Shawn: He uses Linux.
~Pat
The Rockin' One.
9/15/02
Shawn broke the site, but I fixed it. Now Shawn gets a punching from me, compliments of Chris's fist! Shawn is of course the newest member of the Cap'n Chris family, he's like the retarded kid we keep chained up in the basement who lives off the mushrooms that grow down there. The basement of the Cap'n Chris website is of course the former location of the secret site. If you click the 'We last cared...' text at the top left of your computer-internet screen you will be transported to Shawn's magical land of anti-comedy and spelling errors. The rules are as follows, Shawn can do whatever the hell he wants in his section of the site there, but can't do anything else to the rest of the site. We on the other hand will never mention Shawn again and eventually he'll just fade into obscurity and people will forget about him. This is a win-win for everyone, because we don't have to listen to Shawn whining about how he wants to be a part of the site, and we don't have to have Shawn ruining our site (even more). Actually, it's kind of just a win-win for me, and everyone else loses. There's also some good ole' fashioned Cap'n Chris back, with an update to MoonRaven's Journal that can be seen here.
~Pat
The Winning One
9/1/02
Just call me Sir Updatesalot. You know how fantastic the first Dating Game feature was? Well now there's another one, composed primarily of things that didn't meet my quality standards the first time, but that's okay, this is the internet. If you've noticed something new moving in the top right hand corner of the screen, don't panic. We've had this website for awhile, but until now we've been missing out on the best part of having a website - exploiting it for money. But that's all going to change with the advent of the fantastic new Cap'n Chris Shirts! Complete with witty catch-phrases that are sweeping my living room. You too can be as funky as I for a mere 10 dollars. Made by hard-working 10 year old asian children for a nickel an hour in our Cap'n Chris sweat shop of fun, be sure to get yours!
~Pat
The Shirtless One
8/28/02
We are certainly on a an updating marathon. I've posted the first installment of the new chi mcbride cartoon. They can now be found in the comics section of this site. No hard feelings pat. Just don't assume I don't look at the site. Get ready for six flags over fun with this new comic, it's not much, but the entire thing will be quite the crowd pleaser.
Jonny
Maybe I am actually funny, maybe not.
8/27/02
Come on now Jonny, the entire page consisted of: A picture of Kato and Pauly Shore together, Berret, Two pictures blatantly stolen
from other websites, and one original somewhat funny picture. My choice was clear. And I never said anything on the site was good, that would just be stupid.
from other websites, and one original somewhat funny picture. My choice was clear. And I never said anything on the site was good, that would just be stupid. ~Pat
The retorting one
8/26/02
Fuck you pat. Thanks for getting rid of my pictures. That makes room for the second worst thing on the website. Your editorials. If you go there, you can here him rant about how he's bitter about how no girls find him attractive, so he hates valentines day, and he's racist, so he hates the french. That's really funny, jackass. I guess I should do some updating besides insulting you so I'll make the sound file of me and max singing work. Okee Dokee, buh bye.
-Jonny
The Disgruntled one
8/25/02
Hey hey. I finally did some public good and got rid of the Jonny's Pictures section without the knowledge of Jonny. All it was was mostly copyrighted material he'd stolen from other, better websites anyway. Also, I know Jonny doesn't even visit the site so I feel completely safe stating this right here in the 'NEWS' section, without him knowing. You can go here to see what it's been replaced with. You know how I like to whine about things I don't like? Well I've done it again, it's in the 'Pat's Editorials' section (Because I'm Pat and that's where my editorials go), or it's right here. That's really about it. Hey, with me being in school now you should be happy you're getting anything. Ungrateful bastards.
Oh, and be sure to tell all your friends to come here, pretty soon our fanbase is gonna hit the double digits, I can feel it.
~Pat
The out of witty remarks one
8/20/02
Jonny here and I've got a new section to announce. That's me all these sections and new content. The new section is me and max singing christian songs. The first one is awesome god, you can check it out by way of this link, or by going through misc. and choosing Jonny and max praise christ. Our first song will be awesome god by rich mullins. Sorry about the wait for a new chi cartoon, but I have a very promising idea in the works. A little hint, jesus isn't very happy about the awesome chi Mcbride!
-Jonny Dunlap
The lame one
8/10/02
Hey, hey. I'll try to keep this brief because Jonny is begging me to kick his ass in Warcraft III. Like I said I've been really busy, as has everyone else. Luckily Jeffrey Davis, that industrious little ant, has found time to write us up a little advice on the upcoming school year. So you can all go appreciate that. School starts on Monday, so expect updates to be (even more) sporadic and when I do update for there to be a great increase in my cursing.
~Funky P
The Learned One
8/05/02
Well here I am again, handing out yet another dose of court-mandated hilarity. Updates are probably going to start getting scarcer around here, so suck up all you can while it's available. The reason for this is that I've got school starting in about 9 days, football practice for four hours everyday, three books to read and two reports to write by the time school starts, and finally I've recently purchased Warcraft III which will take up all my free time with the playing of. Don't worry about the reports though, in 8th grade I once read Crime and Punishment and wrote a report on it in 2 days. Of course what I handed in wasn't so much a 'report' as much as it was a series of pornographic photos of my teacher that I found on the internet. Still got an A.
So the other day I was watching Mr. Roger's Neighborhood (as I do everyday) and it was just Mr. Rogers going on his own website. It's as entertaining as when you go over a friend's house and get to watch him play on the computer. In fact, that's exactly what it was.
Now in terms of actual content we've got a new interview, a new editorial-type thing, and an update by Moonraven of her Journal. Now go check it all out and pretend you're not disappointed.
~Pat
The gassy one
7/27/02
I wish I could say I was sorry for not updating, but... you know how it is. I return from 6 days of showering with about 60 other naked boys and feel no more homosexual than when I left. I guess that's a good thing. Anyway, on to the more important issues - www.capnchris.com doesn't that just feel damn cool? It's almost like we're a real website now. If I ever go to some elite yuppie soup kitchen full of people who lost their fortunes in the dot com industry I can confidentaly tell them my own website address and still seem damn hip. This means people better start actually visiting the site too. So what if we're not funny, if you have a real website people visit anyway, just look at that Wendy shit. In terms of actual 'new content' I'm running kind of low. I got Susan or 'MoonRaven' to update her journal, so you can check that out. Now, a good long time friend of mine, (who will no doubt benefit from the Supreme Courts recent decision that it's illegal to execute retards) has been nagging me and Chris (and sometimes even Jonny) for his own section on the site. Telling me how funny he is and coming up with all kinds of ideas for features and funny pictures. So I've finally given into his demands and if you click on the text on the right, you can visit the domain of Jeffrey Davis. He doesn't have much yet, but he's off to a good start. So be sure to enjoy his section. The last thing I'd like to discuss here is about the actual update section itself. I see this here as the equivalent of the monologue or 'laugh spiel' and I think it's a shame that all these nuggets go to waste. Thusly I've created a way for them to be preserved for eternity! Simply click on the 'Treasured Memories' at the bottom to be taken to all the delicious old updates. It's fantastic!
~Pat
The one who has to pee
7/16/02
The day has finally come. We were talking of how to get a non-homestead site, i.e. not capnchris.homestead.com. We played with some ideas, including getting a .tk address to apease the natives of the country of Tokelau, but then decided that there was nway we weren't going to get ripped off by that. Then we ignored everything for a day or so. But jut a few minutes ago I found out that Homestead allows you to upgrade your address to a .com. And while I thought this was an intresting prospect that should be sharewith my coleagues, I accidently upgraded my service. So, by, 8:30 tommorow, capnchris.homestead.com, the website I have raised from a fledgling, while spread it's virgin wings and join the ranks of the .com's!
This techniclly makes me a webmaster, so screw getting a job. I'm going to figure out some way to milk this for mega-bucks.
You can thank me when you carry me to the new domain.
-Chris, the Captain.7/15/02
Yo! Yet another amazing* update (*actual amazingness of update may vary). Three great new interviews are up and kicking, so mosey over and check them out. Also, on a different note, I'd like to think that Cap'n Chris is more than just a place you tune into for your daily laughitude. We're also a friend, a companion, an umbrella in the rain or a wet blanket in a fire. As a result we've come to offer more than just hilarity (and not much of that), but important views on moral and social decisions that effect your every day lives. In this vein of thinking we've offered to hose the online journal of a girl in desperate need of a friend. I think she'd appreciate it a lot if you all went over to check it out and didn't laugh too much. I've placed it under the 'Misc' section, or just go here. Oh that Scrappy Doo, will his zany antics never end?
~Pat
The Totally Boss one
6/26/02
I am an updating machine. Remember how I said I'd have a review of Soul Survivors today (if you don't, it's okay, I'm pretty sure I didn't)? Well guess what, I don't, but what I do have is possibly even better. A new Pat Editorial so go check it out. It's fantastic. Also, you should all start to sign the guestbook and visit the message boards. It makes it look like we have fans. I can only sign under so many different names before I just get sad.
~Pat
The active one
also 6/25/02
I, Jonny, have finished a second chi mcbride cartoon, it's so funny you'll shit and pee your pants. You'll find it in the chi mcbride is fantastic section. Enchoy.
-Jonny ~suck it~ dunlap
6/25/02
I hope you like Chi McBride.
Well Chi is gone and sad old Cap'n Chris is back to it's usual state. You can still visit him however by clicking on the link above that big 'NEWS' heading. And Jonny plans to create more of those wonderful Adventures of Chi McBride comics, so look forward to it. I've gone through and made every page look as spiffy as this. So tell all your friends now that they won't get seizures every time they come here. While going through each page I found a lot of old crap we'd done and stuff that I really wanted to delete (Most of that Jonny's), and stuff that reminded me of my past when I liked to curse a lot more because all the cool kids did it, and arguably I was a lot funnier then. In any event though not only do you get a new background, but a new feature as well. Under Pat's Editorials I commented on how much I fucking (It's coming back in style, baby) hate Wendy. What is 'Wendy' you may ask? Well you'll just have to go read it to find out. Also in the very near future, probably tommorow, I'll have a review of the movie Soul Survivors, what will I say? Only time will tell, but here's a hint: It sucks. The movie that is. That's it. Also I suggest you read the update beneath this which is the one I wrote when I first started changing the site to this easier to read background. I mean... my witty updates are really the best part of this site, right?
~Pat
The Erotic Pirate One
6/15/02
This will make the site a lot less fun to read on LSD.
If you've noticed the site being unusually non-seizure causing it isn't just you. Now we at Cap'n Chris can proudly join the ranks of 'readable' websites. Thank You's can take the form of cold hard cash or erotic pictures of yourself or someone claiming to be yourself, it's all the same. Now, not only can the elderly and retarded read the site with no fear, but we've also become 2.5 times as hip. As we've all learned from sad and ugly 13 year olds, there is nothing cooler than a black background with red text. Just by looking at the boss color scheme you tell that we're rebellious hooligans who worship satin [sic] and are misunderstood. This is proof that if you ungrateful bastartds whine enough about something, I'll eventually get drunk and change it. Or at least make Chris do it . Now no, there's no actual new 'features' or anything on the site, so there's no point for you to go looking around unless you really like the new background. So it's not a real 'update' but luckily this section is now titled 'NEWS' and it damn well is news.
~Pat
The literate one
