This message pre-approved by the Chef's Association of America.
After my many years as professional internet celebrity and ghost-catcher, I've come to realize a few underlying truths about myself and the world around me, and so I decided that it was only fair to share them with my loyal readers and, what the hell, even the unloyal ones.
1) I am a total jerk - It's true, more on this later.
and
2) Ziggy Never Wins - This is an inviolable law of nature
that cannot be circumvented by any force of God or man.
What can I say? I just like it when other people are sad.
Ziggy. Not pictured: Winning.
Just how big of a jerk am I? Well, I like to stand by vending machines and whenever someone buys a soda I grab it and shake it up before handing it to them. I used to justify my assholish nature by assuring myself that it was all done for the greater good. I mean, I placed that flaming bag of dog crap on Harvey Keitel's doorstep for freedom. And the time I told that Jewish girl that she had to accept Jesus Christ as her personal Lord and Savior or else Santa wouldn't bring her any presents, and then she told me that she didn't believe in Santa because she was Jewish so instead I told her that her mom was dead; that was because I thought that she might be a terrorist or possibly an Agent from The Matrix.
I don't get it.
I used to pretend that I was writing for a humor website called "Cap'n Chris" and all my crazy antics would be appreciated by an adoring public, thereby justifying my being a total jerk. However, I've now put such delusions aside and must come face to face with the real truth of the situation. Case in point, I've become a household name thanks to my wacky online impersonations, which mostly consist of me IMing people I find in Lizzie McGuire chatrooms and not disagreeing when they guess that I'm someone they know. Then I usually make half-hearted attempts at jokes about my penis or bring up 80s sit-coms starring Tony Danza as a kind of comedy-surrogate. Lately though, I've been doing impersonations that don't even hint at any kind of joke, I'm basically just carrying on normal conversations while pretending to be someone else, usually feeding them misinformation and weeping silently as I pleasure myself and read erotic CSI: Miami fanfiction.
Me, if I was a captain.
At the rate I'm going, it won't be long before I turn into this guy.
As proof of my words, I submit to you the followingtwo conversations with some guy named "Modded Heart". You can see for yourself that I don't really make any jokes and instead just lie to him about where a fertility clinic or something is. I can't really remember what he asked because I wasn't really paying attention, and I'm a very busy man so I'm not going to go read it to find out. That's not the only case either, but I lost all the other files when I decided to delete them because they were messing up the sweet Donatello (the Ninja Turtle, not the dead guy) picture I had made by arranging all my icons in just the right place. The thing is, I don't do this because I enjoy it or even think it's funny anymore, I just honestly don't know what else to do. My social skills have become so impaired that if I'm not actively being a nuisance I start to sweat uncontrollably and then I have to take a nap. Curse you internet!
The truth is, I can dress myself up all I want with zippered pants and hundred-dollar gold shirts, but underneath my radical veneer of cool I'll still just be some jerk who wants nothing more than to mess up your birthday party. Luckily, I haven't left my house since 1997 but have instead interacted via a long-range shadow puppet, so it's pretty unlikely that I'll ever be able to cause any harm in the real world. Instead I'll probably just stick to crappy self-depreciating humor and making fun of people who are fat or come from somewhere that's not America. So, in conclusion, I think we should have recess twice a day because that would be a lot more fun than having boring old spelling tests all the time.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaahah. Hahaha! Ha. What an hilarious image! Oh internet, you've done it again! Sometimes you're just too much! This image is almost worthy of that Cantankerous Cat, Garfield himself! Hahahah. I think we all know what that boss is "full of" Hahaha. Glue! Please click on that zany baby above (ha!) to go back to Cap'n Chris.
After my many years as professional internet celebrity and ghost-catcher, I've come to realize a few underlying truths about myself and the world around me, and so I decided that it was only fair to share them with my loyal readers and, what the hell, even the unloyal ones.
