I'd like to take this opportunity to preach from from my far-reaching Internet pulpit and expound upon some of the aspects of life that I find most disagreeable. Yes, just like a drunken hobo ranting about The Man, I am now going to get liquored up and complain about the things I hate.
#1 - Witty T-shirts
You may think that wearing that totally awesome shirt you got
with your mom at Hot Topic is a great way to freak out the
squares, but really you're just making an ass of yourself. I
remember back in the day when kids wore good wholesome
T-shirts with slogans like "Where's the Beef?", "Support
Gerald Ford" or "Fonzie for President," but somewhere we
went wrong. Terribly wrong. T-shirt humor has become a
desolate wasteland of painfully unfunny slogans and
xenophobic mantras that make me want to break out Ol' Red,
my trusty tire iron. It used to be bumper stickers where you
could find the most horrible phrases that were supposed to be
funny or meaningful, but realizing that most people who would actually find these slogans entertaining couldn't drive, the focus has shifted to shirts, which even retards wear.
I remember just the other day I was hanging out at the mall in the food court when all the sudden this kid walked past with a shirt that said "You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same." Immediately I knew that I wasn't dealing with a real human, and so I dived under the table, nearly spilling my Mr. Pibb: Xtra Xtreme in the process. A soda so radical that it snowboards out of helicopters while shouting Xtreme slogans and listening to songs on its iPod. It's safe to say that that soda has been with more chicks at once than I ever will be in my entire life. Zero.
Anyway, once the pod person had passed I immediately jumped out from underneath the table (which I had renamed the "danger bunker") and yelled "This is for all the norms!" as I .
tackled him from behind and then began crying into his shirt that told me what a unique and misunderstood person he was. Crying because I knew that I could never be half the man that soda was.
Now, you'd think that since I prefaced this with an explanation about how this would be a series of things, and the fact that I labeled the above #1, that a #2 would follow, possibly even a #3. However, just remembering that soda made me realize that it's no good, he'll always be able to write a better editorial than me.
Besides, this way I can save more for later updates, thus making myself look more productive than I actually am. Just like a Jew, except with less gold.
